I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
