Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
