The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
