i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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