Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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