How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
