Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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