4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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