His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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