you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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