filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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