Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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