Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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