picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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