I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
