You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
