If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize