I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
