My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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