Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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