thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
