i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
