She is in my trunk
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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