If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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