I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
