He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
