yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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