Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
