Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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