I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize