I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you never un-have a 4some
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize