I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
