Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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