And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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