On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
