with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
