I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
