upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
