whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
