when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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