We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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