You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
