another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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