Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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