I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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