I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
