i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think my fart just growled at me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
