Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
