i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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