ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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