I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
