Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
