Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
