We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
