I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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