After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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