Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
