you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
