i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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