Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
