i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
