please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
