He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize